Category: Communication

How Important Am I?

By Walter Boomsma
207 343-1842
Communications Director

As most know, earlier this year, I accepted a position teaching at Beal University. It’s been a learning experience. Since most students I work with ultimately plan a future involving substance abuse counseling, communication becomes a topic or concern in many different ways. Communication between counselor and client tends to be an underlying theme in every course. We talk about “empathy” and “understanding” a lot. I often remind students to “listen for what is not being said.”

Thanks to a website dedicated to humor for those in education, I found a funny example. It is an alleged voicemail a doctor left for a patient.

“Because I am literally stuck in traffic at this very moment, I will not be able to perform your heart surgery this morning. Would it be possible to get an extension? Let me know.”

At first, it sounds far-fetched, but an element of humor is overstatement. For anyone who’s ever been a teacher, it’s right up there with “the dog ate my homework.” The modern version might be (and I get this one at least once almost every week), “The computer ate my homework.” My favorite one at the university level was, “I’m sorry this is late. I had to go grocery shopping.”

Let me share something I saw happen recently in the waiting room of a medical provider. A mom arrived with her son, who was probably seven or eight years old. She asked the receptionist, “Do I have to go in with him for the exam? I have a meeting I need to attend on my phone.” The boy had a sort of “disconnected” look and stared around the room. For some reason, he didn’t have a phone or electronic device. On that point, I was happy for him. But I did want to go over and smack his mother. She had just announced to him and anyone within earshot that he had just fallen to the bottom of her priority list.

And here’s the irony. It didn’t have to be that way. She could have used different words to accomplish the same end. She could have said something like, “My son and I have agreed he’s going to try to do this on his own today. I’ll be right here in the waiting room if I’m needed.” (I’m assuming that wouldn’t have been a lie.) Instead, she used words that communicated how busy she was and that her son was momentarily at least at the bottom of her priority list. She also announced to the receptionist that she was a very busy person trying to juggle a lot of different things. I wanted to observe loudly, “And not doing a very good job of it.” I also wanted to go over and hug the kid while saying to the mom, “It’s not about you.” If you listened to the conversation objectively, she was making her son’s appointment all about her.

I confess a bias where kids are concerned, but I have another bias. Being “busy” doesn’t earn us a badge and trophy or get us off the hook for our decisions. Communication still involves at least two parties. Don’t blame it on being busy if you don’t answer an email or return a phone call. You could say, “I’m not good at planning and decision-making,” or maybe even, “Getting back to you just wasn’t that important to me.”

Am I being harsh? I tell students I understand that “life happens,” and sometimes even the best plans are disrupted. But if you tell me your assignment is late because you had to go grocery shopping, I will not likely forgive the late penalty. Contrary to how we often act, we get to decide what’s important and act accordingly. The piece that’s easy to forget is the other party also gets to decide what that means and how they will respond.

Communication is about the words, how they are said, and the actions (or lack of actions) often accompany them. Choose them carefully, remembering the receiver (listener) decides your priorities based on all three.

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