Did I Lie or Miscommunicate?
Our Memorial Day Program here in Maine’s #1 Town (alphabetically) includes an opportunity to chat with friends and neighbors—one of the joys of rural living. After the small crowd had mainly disappeared, I noticed two of those friends chatting intensely—one I hadn’t seen for some time. As I approached, I said, “I don’t mean to interrupt, but I must say ‘Hi’ to…” Of course, I said more than that as we needed to briefly “catch up” on each other’s health and doings.
Later, as I strolled to my vehicle, it occurred to me that I had lied. I had, in fact, fully intended to interrupt their conversation. I know both well, so I felt comfortable interrupting. I also trusted both would honestly have said “This is not a good time…” if that were the case. So why did I lie, even if it was unintentional?
As I consider that question, I am reminded of the conversation between Caesar and Mark Antony in Act 1, Scene 2.
“Let me have men about me that are fat, Sleek-headed men and such as sleep o’nights. Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look, He thinks too much; such men are dangerous.”
While I’m not sure I am sleek-headed or have a lean and hungry look, I am occasionally accused of thinking too much. For Shakespeare Fans, we could think too much about the context of the quote. The digression is enticing, but to pursue it might make the point. “He thinks too much.”
Spontaneous communication means we are not thinking much. Had I been thinking more critically as I approached these friends, I might have said, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I must say ‘Hi’ to…” If a similar situation develops, that would be a more likely line now that I’ve had time to think about it. I’m not sure that’s overthinking.
While the characters in Julius Caesar are speaking, it’s important to remember that they are not speaking spontaneously. They are speaking words that were written carefully. A writer has an opportunity to think and edit what will be “said.” Thanks to technology, we now have AI that helps with the written word. Even as I’ve written this, a great deal of thought has been given and many changes have been made. I can even ask the computer to read it aloud and listen to how it sounds. This might be another digression.
All this thinking ultimately aims at the continuous improvement of our communication. It’s admittedly easier when communication is written, but the patterns are similar. Over forty years ago, I taught an interpersonal skills course that primarily focused on communication when speaking and listening. “When your initial response is to reject or ignore, clarify and confirm what the speaker is saying.” The idea behind it was to ensure you understood what the speaker was saying and why they were saying it. Students who “got it,” realized that it was equally important to understand that when they were speaking, they should be clear on what they were saying and why they were saying it.
Communication should be about understanding. During my days as a real estate instructor, I will never forget an instructor’s meeting during which a colleague said, “I want to be sure we are all saying (teaching) the same thing.” I couldn’t resist responding that I hoped our students would all hear the same thing, but doubted it. Let’s not forget that while we think words have meaning, ultimately, people give meaning to those words. It’s not an exact science and never will be.
Social media offers endless opportunities for miscommunication. A recent post reported the death of three children, allegedly at the hands of their father. One commenter wrote, in part, “I am angry at those poor babies who were murdered by their father…” If we think before reacting, we can conclude she probably wasn’t angry at the babies. She was probably angry at the situation. If she were a politician, there would soon be a news story announcing that she was angry at the murdered children, perhaps even speculating that they were somehow responsible for their own deaths. It wouldn’t take much effort to turn her miscommunication into a lie.
Speakers and writers should attempt to communicate accurately. Listeners and readers should attempt to hear and read accurately. That involves some discipline and thinking. Of course, skill helps, but the focus needs to move beyond communicating to understanding.
This article was initially posted on the Brain Leaks and Musings Site by Mr. Boomsma, educator and author.
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